Episode 3: "Operation Gold Diggers"

Episode 3: "Operation Gold Diggers"

---

OPENING SCENE - INT. BASEMENT OF THE FREEDOM TOWER - NIGHT

(Quinn and Quinton, aka "The Q Twins," are sneaking through a dark, hidden vault beneath the Freedom Tower. They’re armed with flashlights and half-baked conspiracy theories.)

QUINN

(Whispering)

I told you, bro, this place has been rigged since day one. There’s no way all that gold just “disappeared” after 9/11. It’s down here somewhere.

QUINTON

(Excited)

And when we find it, we’ll be set for life! But, which conspiracy are we betting on this time? The hologram planes or the lizard people?

QUINN

(Sighs)

Neither! Focus! This is bigger than reptilian overlords. We’re talking secret vaults, ancient power, and—oh, look!

(They stumble upon a hidden door covered in ancient Sumerian symbols, which glows as they approach. Quinn fiddles with it, and with a rumble, it slides open, revealing stacks of gold bars.)

QUINTON

(Stunned)

Whoa! You mean the gold was real? I thought it was all a metaphor or something.

QUINN

(Laughs)

No, this is the real deal! We just uncovered the treasure trove of all conspiracies!

(As they celebrate, they argue about which conspiracy is real, completely oblivious to the fact that they’ve triggered something far bigger. The Sumerian symbols on the walls begin to glow brighter.)

QUINN

I’m telling you, it was an inside job!

QUINTON

(Pushing back)

Nah, it was the lizard people!

(Their bickering continues until a portal suddenly materializes behind them. The floor shakes, and before they can react, the pile of gold is sucked into the portal.)

QUINN & QUINTON

(Screaming)

NOOOOOOOO!!!

(They leap towards the portal, but it closes with a flash, leaving them empty-handed. They stare at the now-empty vault in shock.)

QUINN

(Whispers)

Where… where did the gold go?

QUINTON

(Panicking)

I think we just sent it to ancient Mesopotamia.

QUINN

(Defeated)

Great. Now we’ve got to deal with Alfie.

---

CUT TO: INT. BEN'S BUNKER - DAY

(The gang is gathered around the TV, watching Connie give a live interview on a major news network. She’s calm, cool, and, as always, prophetically cryptic.)

REPORTER

Connie, with all your predictions coming true, what’s next? Should we expect another world-shaking event?

CONNIE

(Smiling knowingly)

Oh, you have no idea. I predict that within the next decade, toilet paper is going to be the most valuable asset in the world, thanks to the common cold. Especially if Hollywood keeps pushing really bad zombie movies.

REPORTER

(Stunned)

Toilet paper? Like, for bathrooms?

CONNIE

(Shrugs)

Sure, if that’s what they want you to believe. But it gets better. Once the toilet paper crisis hits, real estate will crash harder than Richie’s karaoke dreams. Who’s going to care about beachfront properties when they can’t even find a roll?

REPORTER

(Laughing nervously)

Are you saying the entire real estate market is tied to... toilet paper?

CONNIE

(Nods)

Exactly. It’s the domino effect. Trust me, stockpile the toilet paper, not the real estate.

---

CUT TO: INT. BEN'S BUNKER - MOMENTS LATER

(The gang is sitting in front of the TV, processing Connie’s latest prediction.)

GINA

Toilet paper and a real estate crash? How does that even make sense?

BEN

(Smirking)

I don’t know, but I’ve learned to never doubt her.

ALFIE

(Shrugs)

She’s been right about stranger things. Honestly, the toilet paper theory might be one of her more sane predictions.

RICHIE

(Grinning)

See? This is why I’m pivoting to bidets. While everyone’s fighting over toilet paper and their crashing property values, I’ll be the guy selling the solution. You all thought I was crazy. Now, I’m the genius. Bidets, people! Bidets are the future!

GINA

(Sighs)

I’m not sure if you’re brilliant or just really, really lucky.

BEN

(Laughing)

Oh, he’s definitely not brilliant.

---

CUT TO: INT. BEN'S BUNKER - NIGHT

(It’s poker night. Richie is sitting with the gang, confident as ever, ready to bet big. The Q Twins, still shaken from losing the gold, are playing too, trying to keep it together.)

ALFIE

(Grinning)

So, Richie, you ready to lose again?

RICHIE

(Smug)

I don’t lose. I just temporarily misplace my assets.

(He tosses in a large stack of chips with overconfidence. Ben watches him with amusement.)

BEN

(Laughing)

You sure about that? Because last week, you lost your yacht.

RICHIE

(Casually)

Eh, it’s all part of the long con. This week, I’m betting on innovation. The toilet paper crisis is going to hit any day now. And when it does, who do you think is going to be cleaning up? Me. That’s who. My bidet market will be untouchable.

GINA

(Skeptical)

The bidet market? You’re really banking on that?

RICHIE

(Confident)

You’ll see. The future is in luxury bidets. I’ll be the king of clean. No more wiping—just water-powered bliss.

BEN

(Grinning)

You’ve got to be kidding.

ALFIE

(Chuckling)

You know, Richie, that might not be a bad idea. When everyone else is fighting over toilet paper, you’ll be selling the solution to a problem no one even saw coming.

RICHIE

(Smug)

Exactly. Just think about it. Richie’s Royal Flush. Has a nice ring to it, huh?

GINA

(Shaking her head)

I’m going to regret this, but I’m in. Let’s see how this ridiculous game plays out.

- 

CUT TO: PIZZA ORDER SCENE

(As the game heats up, Alfie gets hungry and pulls out his phone to order a pizza. He scrolls through the options, clearly unimpressed with the primitive nature of modern food delivery.)

ALFIE (Muttering) This is ridiculous. We had better systems in Atlantis. I could just say, “Computer, my favorite pizza, please,” and in 5 seconds, it would materialize. Hot. Every time.

GINA (Raising an eyebrow) Yeah, well, here in the real world, we still have to deal with traffic and underpaid delivery drivers.

ALFIE (Shrugs) A flawed system. It’s like your Matrix was programmed by an army of primates banging their heads on keyboards. It's not very good.

(The gang laughs as Alfie places the order. Time passes, and Alfie grows visibly more frustrated as the game continues without any sign of the pizza.)

---

LATER: THE PIZZA ARRIVES (FINALLY)

(A knock on the door signals the arrival of the long-awaited pizza. Alfie opens the door to find a confused delivery person handing him the wrong order.)

DELIVERY PERSON (Shrugging) Uh, yeah… we didn’t have pepperoni, so we threw in some pineapple and anchovies. Close enough, right?

(Alfie stares at the pizza in disbelief.)

ALFIE (Deadpan) You can’t be serious. In Atlantis, we would have revolted for less.

DELIVERY PERSON (Confused) Atlantis? Uh... okay? That’ll be $27.50.

(Alfie glares at the person, holding the pizza box like it’s a personal insult. The gang watches with amusement from the poker table.)

ALFIE (Loudly) In Atlantis, we didn’t pay for our food either. We just asked, and it appeared! Hot, fresh, and correct. No pesticides and no tipping required.

(As Alfie closes the door in frustration, the group bursts into laughter. Richie tosses in his final poker chips, grinning.)

POKER GAME RESUMES: RICHIE'S BIG LOSS

(The game intensifies, and Richie, with his usual overconfidence, is down to his last few chips. He glances at Alfie, who looks calm and composed.)

RICHIE

(With a grin)

Alright, I’m all in. And if I lose… I’ll give up my biggest secret.

(The gang perks up, curious.)

BEN

(Amused)

What secret are you hiding this time, Richie? You have a secret tunnel to a stash of gold under your mansion or something?

GINA

(Laughing)

Or is it another karaoke scandal?

RICHIE

(Smiling)

Even better. If I lose, I’ll finally admit… that I’m not the one who wrote "Islands in the Stream."

(The group bursts into laughter, except Alfie, who’s trying to remain composed.)

ALFIE

(Smiling)

Richie, everyone knows you didn’t write that song. Dolly Parton did.

RICHIE

(Smirking)

Ah, but you don’t know the whole story. If I lose, I’ll spill the truth about how I’m actually responsible for the worst cover ever made of it.

GINA

(Laughing)

Oh no… please, anything but that!

BEN

(Grinning)

I’m calling your bluff. Let’s see those cards.

(Richie dramatically reveals his hand, only to find that he’s lost. Alfie smirks, and Richie sighs.)

RICHIE

(Defeated)

Alright, fine. You win. I admit it. That horrible cover of "Islands in the Stream" from the 90s? The one everyone tries to forget? That was me, okay? It was a karaoke accident turned recording disaster. I thought I was just going to a karaoke night. Next thing I know, I’m in a studio.

GINA

(Shocked)

You’re saying you were behind that?

RICHIE

(Nods)

Yup. I ruined it. I butchered a classic. The whole world had to suffer because of it.

BEN

(Laughing uncontrollably)

Oh man, that’s worse than losing an island! You butchered Dolly Parton!

ALFIE

(Trying to hold back laughter)

I think we’ve learned something tonight. Never trust Richie with a microphone.

RICHIE

(Sighs)

Yeah, well, it’s not my fault they left

CUT TO ALFIE SCARFING A SLICE OF PIZZA

What? It is surprisingly delicious and the app allowed me to tip.