Episode 7: "A Sumerian Wedding"
Episode 7: "A Sumerian Wedding"
Plot Summary:
Alfie’s ancient Sumerian past catches up to him when his betrothed, a Mesopotamian goddess, arrives demanding that their ancient wedding vow finally be fulfilled. The gang gets roped into planning a divine wedding, complete with all the chaos and supernatural complications that come with it.
Scene 1: Connie’s Press Conference
The episode opens with Connie standing confidently at a podium, addressing a packed press conference with calm authority. The room is buzzing with journalists, cameras flashing, and microphones shoved toward her, waiting for a bombshell revelation. Connie looks utterly unfazed.
Connie (deadpan, clear as ever):
“Money isn’t real. It’s just numbers in a computer. If we tried to print all the money claimed to exist, not even every tree in the universe could handle it.”
The audience gasps, shock spreading across their faces. Murmurs ripple through the room as the journalists whisper to each other, struggling to wrap their heads around Connie’s statement. Panic starts to ripple through the crowd as the gravity of her words sinks in.
Reporter #1 (shouting from the back):
“So you’re saying our entire economic system is an illusion?”
Connie (smirking):
“That’s right. An illusion supported by computers and wishful thinking.”
Reporter #2:
“What do we do now?”
Connie (shrugging, casually):
“Maybe it’s time we figured out something real. But until then, enjoy the ride. Who knows when the bubble might pop.”
Reporter #1 (shouting over the murmuring crowd): “Connie! Can you comment on the rumors about alien involvement?”
Connie (sighs, deadpan): “I already addressed this last time. We are the aliens. Our DNA connects us to all of them.”
The crowd erupts in confused whispers, flashbulbs popping again as Connie steps back from the podium with an air of finality. She calmly exits the stage, leaving the press in stunned silence.
She steps back from the podium, leaving the stunned press to scramble for more answers. As she exits the stage, the scene fades out.
Scene 2: The Betrothed Appears
Cut to Alfie lounging at the gang’s usual hangout, blissfully unaware of Connie’s press conference and its rapidly unfolding chaos. He’s enjoying a moment of peace when, suddenly, a powerful rip in the fabric of space opens, and out steps a Mesopotamian goddess, resplendent in divine armor and jewels.
Goddess (with authority):
“Alfie, it’s time.”
Alfie (spitting out his drink):
“Time for what? I’m not due for any cosmic duties until next week.”
Goddess:
“Our wedding. You didn’t think you could run from an ancient vow, did you?”
The gang, who’s been hanging out around Alfie, freezes in shock.
Connie (whispering to Ben):
“Alfie’s married?!”
Ben:
“To a goddess, no less. Man, he keeps upping the weirdness.”
Alfie (trying to play it cool):
“Uh, listen, Kiskilla—about that—can we, like, reschedule? I’m not really in ‘marriage mode’ right now.”
There’s no escaping fate. Kiskilla snaps her fingers, and suddenly the gang is transported to an ancient Sumerian temple, where preparations for the wedding begin immediately.
Scene 3: Wedding Planning Chaos
The gang, now roped into helping plan a Sumerian wedding, tries their best to navigate the complexities of a divine ceremony.
Connie takes charge of the decorations, Ben is tasked with catering (and figuring out how to summon a celestial chef), and Richie... well, he’s more concerned with singing wedding songs.
Connie (looking through a pile of scrolls):
“Does anyone know how to summon a Mesopotamian florist?”
Ben (glancing at an ancient inscription):
“It says something about a goat sacrifice... romantic.”
Meanwhile, Alfie is desperately trying to distract his bride-to-be from the growing chaos around them.
Alfie (grinning awkwardly):
“Remember that time we accidentally set the Euphrates on fire? Good times, huh?”
Kiskilla (not amused):
“The ceremony must be perfect, Alfie.”
Scene 4: Richie’s Poker Game and Side Hustle
After a long day of chaotic wedding planning, the gang takes a much-needed break for their usual poker game. Richie, in high spirits due to the wedding theme, is getting way too into the spirit of things.
Richie (singing):
“Looooove Shack, baby love shack!”
As Richie belts out "Love Shack," he’s not paying attention to the game—and he’s losing chips left and right.
Connie (smirking as she pulls in a pile of chips):
“I’m starting to love wedding season.”
Ben (side-eyeing Richie):
“At this rate, he’ll need a new side hustle to keep playing.”
Richie (grinning, not concerned at all):
“Already got one! Binary loans, baby!”
The gang freezes.
Connie:
“What?”
Richie (proudly):
“Yeah, I’ve been offering 30-second loans to billionaires and central banks at 150,000% interest. It’s foolproof!”
Ben (rubbing his temples):
“Now I get how you can lose so much money and still buy us drinks.”
Connie (shaking her head):
“You’re giving short-term, sky-high interest loans to billionaires? Richie, what happens when they want their money back?”
Richie (shrugging):
“It’s only 30 seconds! What could possibly go wrong?”
As Richie hands over the last of his chips without even realizing it, the gang exchanges worried glances.
Scene 5: The Wedding Ceremony
The day of the wedding arrives, and the gang stands at the altar of an ancient Sumerian temple, surrounded by gods, goddesses, and cosmic beings. It’s an awe-inspiring scene as Alfie nervously prepares to fulfill his ancient vow.
Kiskilla (commanding):
“Are you ready to complete our union, Alfie?”
Alfie (sweating bullets):
“Ready? Yeah, sure... totally ready.”
But just as the final words are about to be spoken, there’s a massive crash. The doors to the temple fly open, and bratty billionaires and central bankers, victims of Richie’s binary loans scheme, come storming in, demanding retribution.
Billionaire (shouting):
“Richie’s loans are a scam! We’ve lost millions in 30 seconds!”
The divine wedding is thrown into chaos, and the gang scrambles to stop the billionaires from disrupting the ceremony while trying to keep the wedding on track.
Richie (panicked) Dang, the trackers on our phones work through time and space now?
Ben (groaning):
“Richie’s side hustles always get us into trouble.”
Scene 6: The Aftermath
Despite the chaos, Alfie and Kiskilla manage to complete the ceremony, though not without a few cosmic hiccups. The gang, exhausted, gathers around to celebrate their survival with drinks.
Connie (raising a glass):
“Here’s to surviving yet another wedding, financial meltdowns, and—somehow—not losing our minds.”
Ben (leaning back):
“I swear, Richie, your side hustles are going to kill us one day.”
Richie (oblivious, but happy):
“Hey, at least I made the wedding interesting, right?”
The gang laughs, but there's a collective sigh of relief as they realize they’ve managed to get through yet another cosmic disaster.
Cue Theme Song
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